How to Travel as a Couple – and Still Like Each Other When You Get Home

Whether you're taking an epic road trip or a quick weekend jaunt, here's how to travel as a couple with your relationship intact.

It was day ten of our epic southwest road trip and we’d made it to Arizona. After camping in Oklahoma, the Texas panhandle, and New Mexico, we were exhausted, but fortunately our night in Winslow was gloriously uneventful.

We booked a cheap motel instead of camping as originally planned, found a local pizza buffet, and by 8 o’clock I was in bed.

GLORIOUS, I tell you.

Before we left Winslow I made – ahem, I mean, I nicely asked Jim to stand on the corner and sing the Eagles before we resumed our adventure.

“Making him sing” vs “asking him to sing” is an important distinction, and it’s part of how we managed to survive a month on the road without wanting to tie each other to the hood, mouth propped open to catch ALL the bugs, or add arsenic to each other’s water bottles, or just throw the other off one of the many, many scenic overlooks we viewed.

Adapted from Chapter 18 in Two Lane Gems, Vol. 1: Turkeys are Jerks and Other Observations from an American Road Trip.

Jim and Theresa on Beartooth Highway
Overlook on the Beartooth Highway. This is happy.

If you think you’ve got a solid relationship, here’s a good test: go on an extended road trip together. I’m not just talking about a weekend. I’m talking weeks, together, in a car, with no way to get away from each other.

It’s just the two of you and the Bee Gees and that bossy GPS lady giving you directions that are often right, but not always.

Survive travel as a couple and you’ll know you can survive anything. You’re so solid you could mount your relationship in platinum. You could cut glass with your relationship, because you’re diamond and you will last for-ever.

Jim and I? We’re solid. By Day 10 we were a third of the way through this epic Southwest USA road trip and we were still talking and laughing (with – not at – each other) and most importantly, we still liked each other. Neither one of us was thinking “if I have to spend another hour in this car…”

(At least, I wasn’t. I can’t completely speak for Jim.)

I’m not saying this to brag. It’s because this isn’t a feat that just happened. While we’re quite obviously suited for each other, we’re not blessed with infinite patience nor are we complete milksops.

We’re opinionated; we’re independent; we’re driven (pun intended), and we’re distinct individuals.

We made a choice fairly early on in our relationship that we wanted this to work, and we love to travel, so we figured out how to spend solid blocks of time together without losing our independence in the process.

Jim kissing Theresa because they're so happy after a bike ride. One of the fun things you can do when you're traveling as a couple.

Related: budget is a point of friction. Check out my guide on saving money on a road trip.

We made that decision during our first long-term road trip in 2011. We took sixteen days to drive Route 66 from Chicago to Santa Monica and back, and the first half was hell on four wheels.

On the way west, we hit the breaking point and when we got to California we decided it’s either stop or go – when we returned home we were either going to be done or we were going to be diamond.

The reason we’ve survived and grown as a couple, and as individuals, is because we’ve developed a set of tools that allow us to be respectful to one another and to ourselves.

This works when we’re traveling as a couple, but it was also especially important during lockdown. Throw my breast cancer in the mix, and we had a lot of stressors to overcome.

But we did. We survived. We’re still in love, we still like each other, and we’re excited to spend time in a metal box together again.

Related: 50 Tips for Planning an AMAZING Road Trip

These tips on surviving travel as a couple are pretty basic, but they’re HARD. With practice, it gets easier. These guidelines not only make our relationship better, but they’ve also improved every interaction we’ve had, from family to friends to Comcast Customer Service.

Honestly, Jim’s mastered that last one but I still have some work to do. A lot of work. Let’s just say I’m not allowed to call them anymore.

Want to know how to survive an epic road trip and not want to kill your partner? Follow these simple guidelines.

Jim and Theresa at Long Hollow Canopy Tours. They figured out how to travel as a couple so they didn't want to push each other off that tall platform.

How to Travel as a Couple

LISTEN

Yowzers this is hard. Be honest – when’s the last time you had a conversation when you weren’t waiting for the other person to finish so you could say what you want to say? I’m not talking about an argument. I’m talking about everyday, casual conversation with anyone.

Listening is always important, but when you’re in an enclosed space with another person for an extended period of time, it’s vital that you let your partner use his (or her) words and refrain from interrupting no matter how badly you want to.

The Goodriches on our honeymoon
Hiking on our honeymoon, and not wanting to push each other off the path into the Mississippi River below.

This isn’t just when you’re annoyed, this is all the time. Every conversation, every sentence.

See? Told you it was hard. Which is why you

DON’T MAKE STUFF UP

We all hear things through our own translator, so it’s important to pay attention to what’s being said, and not what you think is being said. Listen to the actual words and try not to put your own interpretation on them. Instead,

ASK

If you hear something that tweaks your attitude, ask if you’re hearing what you think you’re hearing. Say something like “It sounds like you’re saying this. Is that what you mean?”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard something he said and thought he meant something completely different.

The Goodriches in the middle of their first epic road trip
The Goodriches

Nine times out of ten it’s because I’m hearing his words through my history and through the way I would interpret the situation. I’ve put my stuff in his suitcase, when what I need to do is

PACK YOUR OWN BAGS

We all come with baggage. The older we get, the more baggage we have. This is not just “last relationship guy was controlling so I’m going to do the opposite of what you want,” it’s also stuff like knowing I like barbecue sauce on the bottom bun of my burger and ketchup on the top.

Jim doesn’t care where the sauce goes. To him I could seem high maintenance, while to me he could seem like a sandwich maverick. I mean, doesn’t he know there’s an order of things???

Beef Delight, otherwise known as a loose meat sandwich, at Pro's Sandwich Shop in Mason City, Iowa
Beef Delight, otherwise known as a loose meat sandwich – a true sandwich maverick

Listening is hard, but knowing what’s in my suitcase is harder. Unless it’s something that’s a dealbreaker, when you’re on a road trip it’s best to

PICK YOUR BATTLES

When you’re together with anyone for an extended period of time you are going to get upset. There will be traffic. There will be construction. GPS will take you down the wrong road or will disappear altogether.

Your backup paper map will become mush after the cooler leaks all over it. Gas prices will spike twenty-five cents a gallon overnight.

Related: save money on gas with GasBuddy

All of this creates tension, so it’s important to make sure the tension in the situation doesn’t become tension in your communication.

(I actually wrote that in my journal after a tense moment that could have gone sideways, and immediately thought that’s going in the book. Sounds like something a self-help guru would say in a relationship workshop: “Repeat after me: tension in the situation is not tension in our communication.” If this travel thing doesn’t work out, I may have a lavalier mic and a stage in my future.)

And sometimes, you’re just going to get upset with each other. That may be the time to say “Battle, picked,” and you agree to be ticked for a bit. When that happens,

SHUT. UP.

Cliché warning: you can’t regret words you don’t say.

It’s a cliché because it’s TRUE! This is harder than listening, harder than recognizing your own baggage.

Just. Shut. Up.

Stop talking. Look out the window and breathe and mutter to yourself (Internally. Trust me – muttering under your breath is about as bad as just saying it out loud.) and Do. Not. Speak.

The Goodriches at Red Rock Canyon outside of Las Vegas Nevada
The Goodriches at Red Rock Canyon

After the tensions have dissipated you can look in your own suitcase and find that dirty laundry that needs to go in the wash.

Or, you find a way to calmly say “this bothered me and this is why.” Most importantly, you find whatever it is you did wrong, because when things get to this point it’s rare that either is blameless, and you need to

APOLOGIZE

Say “I’m sorry.” Mean it. Don’t say “I’m sorry you didn’t understand me,” which is a non-apology. Say “I’m sorry I did this that caused you pain/hurt/anger. That was not my intention and I will try to be better.”

None of this is easy. It’s hard work, but the reward is a 31-day road trip without a single argument (although there was one picked battle) and a 35-day trip with one moment of grumbling.

Doing all of the above meant we didn’t miss out on any of the amazing things we could experience, and they weren’t colored by anything but blue skies and red rocks. It meant that when we got to the abandoned mountain lion zoo I didn’t want to tether him to one of the rusting bars and leave him there for the next tourist.

Following these tips for traveling as a couple is how we survived lockdown and cancer treatments not only intact, but even stronger than we were before. Has it been easy? No.

Has it been worth it?

Yes. A thousand times yes.

The Goodriches, dolled up and deeply in love.

Do you have tips for maintaining the peace while traveling as a couple? Leave a comment!

2 thoughts on “How to Travel as a Couple – and Still Like Each Other When You Get Home”

  1. We just finished a two month road trip together.
    We found it important to always know where we were going to hang our hat the next evening. With early starts and going all day, we started getting tired in the early evenings. When one of us got beyond tired, we’d say so and head for the hotel our cabin instead of pushing to cram more into the day.
    I often complimented my husband on what a great job he did with loading, unloading, taking care of the dog, planning certain outings. ( I kinda wish I was complimented some – that he would recognize all the time I put into planning.) Everyone loves to be complimented some.
    Be sure to discuss ahead what kind of trip you’re wanting! Both should comment on what they most want to see/experience and make these a priority! Husband wanted to experience everything Cody, WY had to offer so we spent 3 days there. I wanted to snap pics the entire trip so he “pulled over” often without complaining!
    Unless you have deep pockets, discuss your budget ahead of time. For this trip, we chose to take a lot of boat/rafting trips and spend less on dining out!
    We loved every day of our trip and look forward to many more!

    • Those are great tips, Darlyne! Showing appreciation is important, as is recognizing that compromise is essential. I love that you could take all the photo opps you wanted! Taking a trip like yours makes memories for a lifetime. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and how fun that you’re planning more adventures.

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