Ennui – Part 4.
Way back in Sparkling Isolation – Day 10 I wrote about the concept of ennui. I revisited that concept in Sparkling Isolation – Day 39. It cropped up again rather prominently in Sparkling Isolation – Day 66. Today, it’s back. If you do the math, it seems that ennui overtakes me every thirty days (give or take a day here and there). I guess there’s some kind of weird, cosmic rhythm to my emotions.
If you’re not familiar with the term, according to Dictionary.com, “ennui” is a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.
As I sat and re-read that definition, I was struck by the elements:
- Listlessness – That perfectly describes my weekend. The weather was glorious, if a bit warm. I did manage to get outside on Friday to enjoy a walk in nature, but other than that most of my time was spent sitting in a chair watching Netflix – not chilling but vegetating. I had no energy and no initiative to do much of anything.
- Dissatisfaction – If you go back a few days in this series, you will see this element emerge. I find little to enjoy in anything lately. I have stopped reading almost any news and have detached almost entirely from social media. I began to find myself unhappy with everything – even reading things I agree with. I just don’t seem to find joy in anything lately.
- Lack of occupation – I am still employed, so that’s a huge plus during a time when so many are out of work. Still, I find myself utterly bored with most of what I am doing for my job. Working from home is actually a good model for me, but only if/when I feel like what I am doing has a purpose. I have specific projects, but once they are done I find myself just sitting around waiting for something interesting to crop up. Overall, I find myself feeling as though my work is pointless. Why try? Why care? Nothing seems to make the slightest bit of difference.
- Lack of excitement – I think it’s fairly obvious that this is happening. Even things that “should” make me happy and excited feel flat and unimportant to me lately.
So, here I sit again for the 96th time putting my quarantine feelings down on the page. Even this feels repetitive and pointless. Does anyone read this? Does anyone care? Do my words have even the slightest impact on anyone or anything?
I think this quote, attributed to Elizabeth Taylor, sums up how I’m feeling:
Time went by. It could be proved that it did, although so little happened.
Sigh.
It’s only Quarantine if it comes from the Quarante province of France. Otherwise, it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Sparkling Isolation – Day 95