Nothing much to say.
Some days it seems nearly impossible to gather my thoughts. I know there are things swirling around in my head. I have wildly fluctuating emotions. My moods shift without warning. So – yes – there must be something to say but for the life of me I cannot seem to tame my “monkey mind” enough today to get it out.
Perhaps that’s the point of how I’m feeling this morning. In times of great stress, I sometimes shut down and that has happened a few times in the past few months. Other times, I become frenetic in my activities and try to drain the stress off through doing things whether that be exercise or rearranging my furniture. Other times, I can rein in my stress by pursuing something creative. Or at times, just having a “Netflix and chill” kind of day.
Today, however, my wildly fluctuating monkey mind is causing a new-to-me kind of experience. I find myself sitting, doing absolutely nothing. It’s not like shutting down – that’s where I begin to feel emotionally numb and just don’t have the energy to do anything at all. No, this current experience is more like a shutting down of focus. I cannot seem to focus for more than a few moments on anything, but I don’t feel frenetic. I feel so strangely calm.
As I type this, I have to stop every few sentences and just stare out of the window. I cannot sustain my own attention long enough to type an entire paragraph without several pauses. It’s like my energy to create – to do something – comes in tiny spurts, then flickers out and there’s nothing for a while. Then it sputters back to life and I can focus for a few moments again.
What’s dangerous about this is that the moments of silence seem to be filled with negative thoughts today. I find myself going off into “what if” scenarios that are all grim. I even find myself occasionally reliving old negative moments from my life – something that I rarely do. I am not quite sure what has catalyzed this strange energy or my negative focus today.
Nothing specific has happened to shut me down. I slept well last night after watching quite a lot of happy, feel good kind of programming on Netflix. I feel rested and relatively relaxed with no specific plans for the day. It’s a perfect day to just chill and allow myself to relax, yet I cannot seem to do that.
It feels a bit like the edges of the same anxiety that caused my meltdown last Sunday – so hopefully I won’t have another anxiety attack like that one. All I can assume is that sometimes it doesn’t have to be anything specific that triggers a shutdown of energy or a shift in mood or an anxiety attack. Sometimes it’s the slow accrual of small things over time that finally just reach a tipping point.
So I suppose, unlike the title of my post today, I actually do have something to say today, even if it’s not totally coherent and polished. I guess today is just going to be “one of those days” and I have to ride it out like I have all the others during this bizarre dystopian experience.
It’s only Quarantine if it comes from the Quarante province of France. Otherwise, it’s just Sparkling Isolation.