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Tommy Hensel

Sparkling Isolation – Day 93

June 19, 2020 //  by Tommy Hensel//  Leave a Comment

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Struggling out of the cocoon.

Quarantine has its ups and downs, but it does sometimes feel safe. It’s a secure place where I don’t have to worry about so many things that engage my mind when I’m out in the world. When you’re quarantined alone, you don’t have to talk to other people if you don’t want to. There’s no expectation of what you look like or what you wear. Food and beverage become things entirely under your own control.

I am not saying that I love this situation, or that I want it to continue indefinitely, but some of these things can be seductive. For instance, the idea that I can hire someone else to shop for me and then deliver my groceries without me having to ever leave my house – that feels rather good sometimes.

But lately I have found myself merging from “comfort” into “avoidance.” Slowly, things are beginning to open up a bit in the world around me (restaurants, grocery stores, retail stores, parks, etc.) but I realize that I have become resistant to joining the world in the opening up process. I continue to make excuses to have things delivered, to do nearly everything online, to stay inside even when the weather is nice, to nap more than usual.

I’m not afraid of getting sick, nor am I worried about other people and their dysfunctional relationship with masks and social distance (pro or con). What I find is that I am hearing inner voices say things to me that make me feel almost afraid to start interacting with people in person again. It’s almost like some deep, inner part of my mind has tremendous social anxiety but has been well-hidden for decades. Now, for some odd reason, it’s making itself heard.

After 93 days of quarantine, you would think I would jump up and down for joy when I have the opportunity to start doing things out in the world again. Not so. I have had strangely ambivalent feelings about leaving my house, even on beautiful sunny days like the one happening right now as I write this post.

I have had to force myself – almost against my own will – to push through these strange resistances and go back outside to interact with people. Last Thursday, I went to a restaurant for the first time in nearly 13 weeks. It was wonderful, but it was also a strangely unfulfilling experience. I even got sick the next day with a sore throat and laryngitis. I believe – metaphysically – that was my body and my spirit telling me that something was wrong and that I needed to stop and focus inward.

That’s what I have been doing for the past week – throughout my days and here in these posts.

So I am trying now to make choices that put me out in the world again. I went to my office for the first time in weeks yesterday to gather some files and check mail, but in the process I did interact with a few other people. Last night I attended a small neighborhood party (appropriately socially distanced) to meet a bunch of people I had never met before here in my neighborhood. Today I plan to head again to the Morton Arboretum for a few hours out in nature, where I know I will pass others on the paths and have a chance to at least say “hello” in person.

As odd as this may sound, I feel as though I am fighting my way through some kind of thick, viscous membrane that is trying to keep me safely cocooned in a fetal position in the dark – alone and safe and secure. For one of the first times in my life, I feel the edges of social anxiety and I know for myself that my only hope to battle this is to push through it.

If the analogy holds true, let’s hope that when I emerge from this sticky cocoon I have transformed into something new and exciting. I’m not sure what my inner version of “butterfly” looks like, but I hope I am going to find out very soon.

It’s only Quarantine if it comes from the Quarante province of France. Otherwise, it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

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Category: ThoughtsTag: Sparkling Isolation

About Tommy Hensel

Tommy Hensel is the Director of the Fine and Performing Arts Center at Moraine Valley Community College (www.morainevalley.edu/fpac), a position he has held since January 2008. A native of Columbia, South Carolina, he has worked for more than 35 years as a professional actor, singer, stage manager, director, and arts presenter. He holds a B.A. in music and a B.A. in communication from Florida State University and an M.A. in theater from the University of South Carolina. He currently serves as Chair of the Illinois Presenters Network and is a board member of NAPAMA. He served as co-chair of the 2018 Arts Midwest Conference and currently sits on the professional development committees of both NAPAMA and Arts Midwest.

Prior to his move to Chicago, Tommy was an 11-year resident of the Seacoast region of New Hampshire where he served as Executive Director of the Rochester Opera House and sat on several non-profit arts boards. He has served on grant review panels for the New England Foundation for the Arts, New Hampshire Arts Council, Vermont Arts Council, and Illinois Arts Council. During his years as an arts presenter, he has also served on the juried showcase panels for the Arts Midwest Conference and Performing Arts Exchange.

Among his many theater credits, Hensel was the founding artistic director of the Harrisburg Shakespeare Festival (now part of the Gamut Theatre Group in PA). He has over 50 professional directing credits to his name and an extensive resumé as a theatrical performer and cabaret singer. In Chicago, he has a side "gig" as a restaurant reviewer for The Local Tourist website (http://chicago.thelocaltourist.com) and blogs about travel and food at https://www.tableforoneplease.com.

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