Conditional vs. Unconditional
I finally settled into my staycation today. I slept in late, had a nice leisurely morning, then decided to take a walk. By the time I started the walk, I had logged in 1700 steps (according to my Fitbit). By the time I returned home, I had hit about 12,000 steps.
Whee! I was so sore, but I was happy that I finally got out of the house and experienced the sunshine.
When I got home, I took a long hot shower and a short nap. Then I finally settled back in and decided to check my email and other messages. Well, it’s a good thing that I have spent so much time in recent years learning how to be calm, centered, and objective.
I had two completely separate experiences today, but both of them resulted in the ending of friendships. Although the specific situations are entirely different, the underlying issues are similar. What is all boils down to is that the two people in question had placed unilateral conditions our our friendship.
What I mean by that is that both people had expectation of how they wanted me to interact with them. In both cases, they had determined that those expectations were non-negotiable. And, in both cases, they failed to communicate those expectations to me.
So, today I had two people who told me that I’m a horrible human being, that I suck, that I don’t deserve their friendship, that I should just go jump off a tall building and cease to burden the world with my horrible disempowering existence.
OK. So perhaps that is hyperbole.
But for a skinny minute, that’s how I allowed these people to make me feel. Then, I had the intelligence/intuition to stop and focus on myself for a moment. Does it suck when people reject me? Yes. Do I care? Certainly I care – else I wouldn’t even be wasting time writing about it.
I am done. Anyone who places conditions on friendship is not a friend. I am a complex person. I have good days and bad ones. I am sometimes attentive, other times I disappear and cannot be found. At the end of the day, I am a human being. Not perfect and not infallible.
So anyone who thinks that I can somehow read their mind, can give them everything they want and need 100% of the time, will drop everything to focus on them at the expense of everything else in my life – well that’s not the kind of person that I need to have in my life.
If your friendship is conditional, then please do us both a favor and “unfriend” me now and save us both the drama. I love my friends, but I also love myself. I am never going to focus on someone else at the expense of my own mental health and well-being again. I did that for 7 years in what I laughingly call a “marriage” and I won’t ever do that again.
My friendship is unconditional. If you are my friend, I accept you – warts and all – and understand that you will sometimes be a jerk, sometimes be inaccessible, sometimes be needy but under it all you will always be my friend.
If you cannot accept me in the same way, then “adios” to you.
I am at a point where only unconditional love is acceptable.
It’s only Quarantine if it comes from the Quarante province of France. Otherwise, it’s just Sparkling Isolation.