Why bother?
I think my post from yesterday was prophetic. I mentioned that the stages of dealing with crisis are not linear. Rather, I tend to flow back and forth among them. Today, I flowed right back from “Heavy Sigh” into “Why Bother?”
The catalyst for this reversal of my energy was – big surprise – my job. Yes, I am grateful to be employed during this crisis. At the same time, that does not mean that I should be fine with being treated in ways that make me feel like a cold, corporate number.
But I am not going to dwell on that. When I first started to write this post today it was gearing up to be a malcontented diatribe about my employer. I have reasons – many of them – but as I started to type the first couple of paragraphs of an earlier draft, I realized that I was only moments away from a Zoom meeting with my friend Theresa.
I put away the file I was writing, poured a glass of wine, put together a nice plate of cheese and fruit and then dialed into the Zoom call.
It is amazing how transformational it can be to reconnect with a good friend. Not just a good friend, but one who absolutely understands my personal struggles to find meaning in my life. She is going through her own ‘dark night of the soul’ lately and it was also beautiful to be able to listen and help her talk through some of her issues. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t a two-hour whining fest. We both had moments of getting deep and serious, but overall it was a joyful reunion between friends.
We both talked honestly about our struggles, about what is and is not working for us in this strange time of isolation and quarantine. As we spent time together – virtually – she helped me reframe my thinking about my “bad day.”
Everyone is going through their own versions of pain right now. That does not mean that I give anyone a “free pass” to be disrespectful to me – I won’t forget when people do that – but it does mean that I need to be kind and empathic and understand that their obnoxious behavior is not about me. I have no control over it. They are lashing out and dealing with their issues in the best way they can figure out. My only job in that process is to accept what is mine and to speak out for myself when needed. Just because I am an empath does not mean that I am a doormat.
We laughed, we cried a little, we got angry – but mostly we just enjoyed the camaraderie of two friends who are both fighting to find their unique voice. You see, Theresa is an author – a fantastic author. If you want to check out her books, you can do that HERE.
I am trying to become an author and she is an inspiration to me. We are both empaths – major empaths – and for both of us navigating this world in which so many people are in pain is like living in a perpetual minefield. Writing, for both of us, seems to be the balm for a weary soul. After our conversation, I realize more than ever that my current calling is to write. To truly put other things aside and work on those projects that move me into my creative zone, that soothe my inner demons, that allow me to express my true voice.
I will continue to do what I must to earn a paycheck, but I know clearly now that my focus must be on things that empower me and make me feel as though I am where I am meant to be. I don’t know where I am going with this newly-found energy, but I do know that wherever the destination, it will be one that celebrates my passion and my unique voice – a place where I make the rules for myself.
It’s only Quarantine if it comes from the Quarante province of France. Otherwise, it’s just Sparkling Isolation.