Sometimes I surprise myself.
In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned that I truly believe the Universe is kind. I also believe that everything happens for a reason. Today, I had a bizarre but ultimately transformational moment related to that.
I have long been a prolific journaler, normally hand written. Whenever I am going through something powerful – whether emotional or spiritual – I find journaling to be tremendously helpful. One of the weird things about that, however, is that sometimes – even when what I’m writing about is highly charged and even profound – I will forget about it as soon as it leaves my head and goes onto the page. It’s almost like writing is the point and once it’s out of my head, I can move on.
Today, I “accidentally” ran across something I wrote back in September 2019 while returning from an arts conference. Of course, I don’t believe in “accidents” so clearly I was meant to read it today. I was shocked. The thoughts I put down were so intense, so powerful, and so profound that I thought to myself, “How in the world could I have written that and then forgotten that I wrote it?”
As I thought more about it, I realized a couple of things. First, the energy remained in me even though the words had faded. Second, I wasn’t ready to embrace the truths that I revealed to myself – at least not six months ago. Third, my journey over the past week has opened the floodgates for greater awareness. Fourth, because of that I was ready today to read again what I wrote.
I am pasting my journal entry here since it now applies even more than it did six months ago. Strange how the Universe works.
Here’s what I wrote on the plane back from Minneapolis in September 2019:
So many thoughts and ideas and fears and energies pulsing in my body and mind. My utter exhaustion is as much psychic as it is physical. Some of my weariness is that somewhere deep inside me, there are things dying, things struggling, energies striving to create catalytic change. On deeper unconscious levels my spirit and body are in a powerful dance of conflict, resolution, confluence and change. I am at a point where I somehow still feel paralyzed by indecision – more aptly paralyzed by too many possibilities. I am also confused and afraid, wondering just what is happening, where it is going, what will be the results of this sea change going on in my psychic spiritual world. How does it manifest and where will it take me?
When I return, I cannot be the same person. I cannot be the same supervisor, the same employee, the same presenter, the same co-worker, the same friend. I am different and I feel the difference growing more and more on some deeper level. The world will strive to suck me back in.
I have to continue to remember that concept of Second Cybernetics – stay in the system on one side, but work to build a new system with new ‘norms’ on the other until I am ready to step fully into the new system.
I have to be vigilant in understanding just when I get sucked into the “old norm” and how to continue to embrace the newness of who I am becoming.
Things will never be the same now.
I know that everything written here would sound highly dramatic to anyone else, but it’s all exactly how I’m feeling. I am trying to express things that are not specific, that are deep and subterranean in my consciousness. The images are blurry, the concepts are large and amorphous. Still, the energy feels so primal and important. I cannot help but feel as though something very important has shifted for me in the past week.
I keep coming back to the idea of how frightened I am to return to the ‘status quo.’ It is so easy to just give up and capitulate to the power structures that are so intent on quelling innovation. It’s so easy to just become passive and silent again and to stop paying attention to the world. Hibernations feels like safety. The allure of safety, security, comfort – these are all hard to ignore. Also, the powerful forces of the hierarchy that controls us – controls me – are hard to fight. They work on so many levels, both active and passive/aggressive. Silence and obedience are rewarded and cherished and valued by these powerful forces. Speaking out, taking innovative actions, developing new paradigms – these are dangerous to the hierarchy and are punished in many subtle ways. I have to face down my fears here, and my overwhelm at the thoughts that try to sabotage me from my new path.
Like I said earlier, sometimes I surprise myself.
It’s only Quarantine if it comes from the Quarante province of France. Otherwise, it’s just Sparkling Isolation.