Apparently, I am supposed to be perfect – at least that’s the message I seem to be getting from certain people at my place of business. I am dealing with a particularly sticky HR issue right now, and I sent information based on my best knowledge to help resolve it. Unfortunately, I did not ask the right questions nor gather the correct information, so now I am being treated as though I were some kind of imbecilic slacker who is intentionally trying to make everyone’s life difficult.
I made a mistake. I admit it. But how about cutting me some slack, given the current situation?
So today I am having a minor meltdown, still thinking to myself, “What’s the point? Why do I even try? Does anyone even care or appreciate anything I do?” This was exacerbated by some other personal rejections and disappointments I have had this week – compounded by my meltdown on Sunday. Overall, I am not feeling particularly great today and I am once again feeling down on myself. Since I feel as though nobody cares or appreciates me, why should I bother?
Oh, I know. I am overreacting – but that’s how I am feeling today so I need to just be honest and say it out loud.
Luckily, the sun came out and the temperature rose up a bit so I was able to get out for a nice, long walk around midday. Tonight, I decided to try my hand at baking my own bread for the first time in decades. I chose a beer bread (to use up a bit of beer that I had on hand). It actually turned out well. Hooray! I can bake!
The crux of my problem right now is one that came to me in a flash of intuition. I am not using my creative energy. It has been a slow creep, but over time I realize that moment by moment, piece by piece, I have moved away from creative endeavors and bit by bit have replaced that energy with tedium – budgets, spreadsheet, managing employees, dealing with red tape, kissing up to people ‘above me’ in the hierarchy of my business. I am no longer a creative – I am mindless corporate drone. This enforced solitude has made me see that I have to find a creative outlet or I will slowly dry up and disappear into the “Stepford Wife” world of corporate slavery.
I am reminded of this quote from Pearl S. Buck:
“The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create — so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.”Quote by Pearl S. Buck
I have the urge – the compulsion – to create. It’s in my DNA and a fundamental part of my being. Right now, that passion has been stifled. I cannot allow this to happen. I do not know how to fix the problem, but at least now I have identified it. The next step is to find solutions. I have to re-ignite my passion and reclaim my creative energy. Now, the question is, “HOW?”
It’s only Quarantine if it comes from the Quarante province of France. Otherwise, it’s just Sparkling Isolation.