Inside looking out.
Today I spent another entire today inside my apartment without once stepping outside. The weather was sunny, a bit hot and humid but not unbearable. There was no specific excuse for my hibernation today. It just never occurred to me to leave the house.
That bothers me.
Before the pandemic, I would rarely have spent an entire Sunday indoors on a decent day. I would have gone to the gym, or perhaps done brunch in the city and spent sometime at a museum or in the park. I might have stayed in the ‘burbs instead and gone to the Morton Arboretum or even just to an area park.
Today, some of those things are available to me. The gym is indeed open, but I have no desire to risk that experience at this point. The city is not entirely shut down, so I could have done brunch somewhere and walked in a part, but that would have required public transportation and I just don’t want to deal with the El right now.
My default has become “hibernation.”
Yesterday, I managed to kick my own butt and I left the house to go visit friends to watch “Hamilton” on Disney+. I don’t have it at home, so it was nice to get a chance to see the show for the first time. It was also lovely to spend time with friends, even in a socially-distanced way. But I have to tell you, it took a HUGE amount of self-talk to not default to, “Nah, I prefer to just stay home” when they asked me over.
As I search my feelings, I don’t sense that I am afraid of getting sick. I really have little or no paranoia about the virus. I am careful and pay attention to all the proper protocols. No, it’s not fear. But something has shifted in my energy and has created a massive distaste for dealing with live human beings in person.
I find myself thinking, “Why bother? If I can get groceries delivered and occasional take out brought to my car – and if Amazon keeps on delivering so quickly – then why bother leaving the house?” I have vegetables delivered every other week from Imperfect Produce and meat every six weeks from Butcher Box. In between, I have groceries delivered and I occasionally venture out to the drugstore for things like vitamins, toiletries, and OTC medications.
My contact with living, breathing humans has been negligible in the past few weeks – and frankly I find that I like it that way. That in itself starts to scare me. Am I becoming a recluse? Is something wrong with me? Is there a way to break out of this cycle of wanting nothing to do with other people except with the benefit of digital social distance? What’s happening to me?
Inquiring minds want to know.
It’s only Quarantine if it comes from the Quarante province of France. Otherwise, it’s just Sparkling Isolation.