Equanimity. Kindness. Wonder. Adventure
After yesterday’s meltdown, I have had to do a tremendous amount of soul-searching and introspection to get myself into a better space. The trigger for the meltdown was so minor that my tremendous implosion/explosion was frighteningly out of proportion.
That tells me I am dealing with a lot of pent-up energy – fear and anger being the two most prevalent emotions.
I spent some time this afternoon focusing again on the Desire Mapping process I recently explored. It is based on the work of Danielle LaPorte and is hugely transformational. Ultimately, through that work, you come up with a succinct list of core desired feelings – those things you want to feel in your life. For me, the list honed and honed until I finally came up with four:
Equanimity, kindness, wonder, and adventure.
Obviously, yesterday proves that I am not currently enjoying the pleasures of equanimity. Also, I have not been kind to myself recently. In my extreme imbalance, I have also lost sight of those things in life that make me feel a sense of childlike wonder. I suppose one could argue that all of life is an adventure now. I write frequently about the Coronacoaster, and that is certainly an adventurous ride. But for me, the energy of adventure is linked to wonder – that sense of awe and excitement that comes with exploring something new that you want to explore.
I guess I am 0 for 4 today.
Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out.
The current state of my life – of the world – causes wild fluctuations of energy on all levels: spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physical. I realized today as I was working to release some of the residual anger from my meltdown, that I need to be more kind and understanding to myself. There is not a single soul on the planet that is not experiencing a shift in their life because of the pandemic and that includes me.
Of course my energy is messed up. How could it not be? Anyone who says that they are feeling “just fine” right now is either lying to themselves or others or both. Some people are much better than others, but really – nobody is completely fine right now. Acknowledging that is not a weakness – it is a strength.
It has taken me decades to feel comfortable admitting when I need help, when I am messed up, when I have screwed something up. I have lived most of my life with a debilitating perfection complex and a morbid fear of being judged by others. That has led me to internalize those processes, so my inner voices are equally cruel to me – trying to force me to appear perfect to everyone even when I know I am far from that ideal.
Today, as I allow myself to sit quietly with my thoughts and emotions, I focus back on those core desired feelings. I cannot change the situations around me, but I can change how I choose to feel about them. In this time when I feel so utterly lost and out of control, I have to find peace in the things I can control – my thoughts, my feelings, and some of the basic elements of my daily life (what I wear, what I eat, etc.).
For the rest of this day – and hopefully for a long time to come – I am going to stop and measure my thoughts, feelings, and actions against the goal of those core desired feelings. Does this make me feel equanimity? Am I experiencing the energy if kindness? Does this fill me with a sense of childlike wonder? Is this helping me move towards a life of greater adventure?
Small steps, but in a seemingly-endless quarantine situation small steps are better than no steps at all.
It’s only Quarantine if it comes from the Quarante province of France. Otherwise, it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Sparkling Isolation – Day 120