I suppose it’s not a surprise that I have finally had a meltdown. This Coronacoaster experience doesn’t lend itself to a sense of calm and peace and tonight I finally had a moment of “snapping” at something.
Let’s set the stage. I write tons of grants for my job. That in itself can be a stressful thing, but in general I am quite good at it and it’s not all that difficult. The problem comes in the fact that there are multiple people who have to review, edit, and approve them before they can be submitted. Some of those people are – shall we say – anal retentive.
I mean – seriously anal retentive. To the point of arguing about punctuation and other things that are utterly unimportant.
I got an email today with comments on a grant, questioning something that was pasted almost verbatim from another grant that was easily approved last year and, as a matter of fact, was pasted from another grant of the year before. The point it, the exact same wording was used for years and now – suddenly for no reason – there’s an issue?
So, moving away from this specific example I find myself wondering just why I had a total emotional meltdown tonight over something so incredibly insignificant. I mean, either they approve the grant or I don’t apply and then lose the option for $15,000 in funding. Their choice. At this point, I just don’t really care any longer.
No. The point for me is “Why am I having such a HUGE negative surge of energy over this? Why am I writing about it? Why did I shoot off an email to one of the team to basically say that I am frigging over it and don’t give a rat’s ass what they decide – just tell me what to do and I will do it.” Why am I in such a horrible state over this totally unimportant thing?
I think I have at least a partial answer to those questions. I am dealing with my fear – I posted about that yesterday. This is all about my anger. Tonight I made the mistake of reading news reports about people protesting the wearing of masks. I truly have the urge to just rush out into the world and start slapping people upside the head about this. I am utterly flabbergasted at the lack of empathy, lack of compassion, lack of intellect, lack of anything remotely resembling common sense.
So tonight, my already brittle emotional state was made more brittle and finally pushed over the edge by stupid people at work fixating on petty, unimportant things. I suppose today’s post is all about a day in quarantine where I finally just lost my mind and had a meltdown.
I have to believe that it’s time. That it is a good thing for me to just let myself feel this energy and – more than that – to feel OK expressing it to the world. I am not fine. I am decidedly not fine. I am fed up. I am at a point where I just want to say to people, “Get a f’ing clue and pay attention to reality!”
But, alas, I am still stuck working with people who have no sense of proportion. I am a classic example of “golden handcuffs.” I wish I could just quit, but I cannot afford to quit because I need my insurance and the salary is good enough to make it hard to walk away.
So I am stuck. No options. No way out. Stuck in my job. Stuck in my apartment. Stuck alone with no chance to actually experience viable human interaction in a physical sense. And stuck dealing with people who seem to have no sense of what’s truly important and what is not.
Today, quarantine sucks.
It’s only Quarantine if it comes from the Quarante province of France. Otherwise, it’s just Sparkling Isolation.