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Sparkling Isolation – Day 10

March 27, 2020 //  by Tommy Hensel//  Leave a Comment

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Ennui.

I suppose I have always had a bit of a melancholy nature, deep down. In college, when given a choice in a film class to pick a director for a thesis project I picked Ingmar Bergman. Try watching all of his films in a week and see how you feel. In a literature class, I chose to do an extensive project on Camus and Sartre. The myth of Sisyphus particularly intrigued me. Apparently, existentialism appeals to some deeper part of my nature.

Today has been a day of ennui.

If you’re not familiar with the term, according to Dictionary.com, “ennui” is a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

It’s not that I am depressed – that feels entirely different to me. This is a sense of utter fatigue and pointlessness. I found myself sitting at my desk, staring at my work computer, waiting to see if I would get an email. I did that for what felt like hours. Then I would get up and walk around the apartment, picking things up and putting them down again. I worked on a jigsaw puzzle for a few minutes here and there. But nothing seemed to really catch my attention enough to get me to stop and focus.

All of the spiritual work that I am doing – based on what I have written in the past two days of these blog posts – may have something to do with this. Sometimes, when deep and fundamental things are going on in my psyche, it’s like being a computer processing a whole bunch of different programs at one time. The entire system slows down while something happens in the background. I felt a bit like that today.

I have to be OK with not working from nine to five now. I don’t have enough work to keep me occupied for an entire day so I need to just let go of my feelings of obligation and realize that what is more important than my job right now is my own health and well-being. I am keeping up with all of the important tasks, and even beginning work on some long-term projects for next season. But I can’t just waste hours sitting here staring at a blank computer screen every day. That will cause this ennui to become depression, and I am not in a space where I am willing to allow myself to spiral down into that black pit – particularly when I am alone and have little ability to even get outside due to cold, rainy weather.

Unlike depression, ennui doesn’t lead me into self-destructive behavior (aka, comfort eating and drinking too much alcohol). I had a nice healthy lunch and for dinner ordered takeout from one of my favorite restaurants (to keep giving them as much business as possible). The evening meal was definitely a pampering moment for me. I plated it up using china, silver, and crystal. The meal consisted of Smoked Trout appetizer, sides of Roasted Asparagus and Southern-Style Coleslaw, an entrée of Beef Wellington-Prime Striploin (Puff Pastry, Red Wine Reduction), and for dessert a Salted Candy Bar (Shortbread Cookie, Whipped Cream, Seasonal Berries). I bought a bottle of wine from the restaurant to go with the meal, a 2018 La Capranera Aglianico.

Here’s a photo:

Quarantine meal from 1416 in LaGrange, IL

When I post photos like this on Instagram, I use a series of hashtags. I will share those here:

#singledining #diningalone #datingmyself #diningsolo #solodining #tableforone #tableforoneplease #takingcareofme #grateful #lifeisgood #alonebutnotlonely

Alone does not have to equal lonely. Yes, I am feeling a bit like my anchors have been removed and I’m drifting along without direction, but I truly believe that some higher power will keep guiding me to where I need to be. So for today, despite the overwhelming sense of ennui, my sparkling isolation is actually not too bad.

I guess I will keep drifting and see where I land.

It’s only Quarantine if it comes from the Quarante province of France. Otherwise, it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

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Category: ThoughtsTag: Sparkling Isolation

About Tommy Hensel

Tommy Hensel is the Director of the Fine and Performing Arts Center at Moraine Valley Community College (www.morainevalley.edu/fpac), a position he has held since January 2008. A native of Columbia, South Carolina, he has worked for more than 35 years as a professional actor, singer, stage manager, director, and arts presenter. He holds a B.A. in music and a B.A. in communication from Florida State University and an M.A. in theater from the University of South Carolina. He currently serves as Chair of the Illinois Presenters Network and is a board member of NAPAMA. He served as co-chair of the 2018 Arts Midwest Conference and currently sits on the professional development committees of both NAPAMA and Arts Midwest.

Prior to his move to Chicago, Tommy was an 11-year resident of the Seacoast region of New Hampshire where he served as Executive Director of the Rochester Opera House and sat on several non-profit arts boards. He has served on grant review panels for the New England Foundation for the Arts, New Hampshire Arts Council, Vermont Arts Council, and Illinois Arts Council. During his years as an arts presenter, he has also served on the juried showcase panels for the Arts Midwest Conference and Performing Arts Exchange.

Among his many theater credits, Hensel was the founding artistic director of the Harrisburg Shakespeare Festival (now part of the Gamut Theatre Group in PA). He has over 50 professional directing credits to his name and an extensive resumé as a theatrical performer and cabaret singer. In Chicago, he has a side "gig" as a restaurant reviewer for The Local Tourist website (http://chicago.thelocaltourist.com) and blogs about travel and food at https://www.tableforoneplease.com.

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